CAUTION: Major "hurricane" rant occurring in 3...2...1...
I’m so confused by my feelings recently. I really don’t even know how to formulate my thoughts.
I went on vacation and didn’t think of you more than once or twice, which felt great not to have you on my mind. But then the second I get back, you flood my thoughts and I absolutely hate it. I see your tweets at the most unwanted of times and the most random of events, places, or actions remind me of you and I hate that too. I hate that you can be living your life and never thinking of me, but I just can’t seem to get over you. We haven’t been talking now for longer than we ever were then, but still you’re stuck in my head. I hate when people ask about you, I die a little inside.
For instance, today I was a friends birthday party enjoying myself and then the person there that I knew the least said, “Hey you’re friends with ________, aren’t you?” Fuck me. What do I say to that?! I don’t even know this guy and now he’s asking me about you…cool life. So I sheepishly stutter out, “Yeah well we used to be friends, haha. I mean we worked together and were friends yeah.” Then nosey dude asks: “Weren’t yall a thing for a bit?” AHHHH!! What the heck?!! Then I manage to choke out, “I mean yeah we talked for a bit then we stopped and he got a new job so I honestly don’t know what he’s up to now, sorry.” Nosey dude, stabs me in the gut once more…”Oh okay, yeah I haven’t talked to him in a long time either, we used to run cross country together, but i haven’t talked to him in forever! I was just asking because I remember him talking to me about you, yeah he talked about you a lot actually, hahah!” Well shit, might as well just awkward laugh my way out of this situation. Wowww. And not exaggerating at all, this is not the first person to say, “Yeah he used to talk to me about you.” Seriously makes me want to die. How could you go from talking to your friends about me to not acknowledging me at all?! I hate it.
I mean you did just start talking to someone else while we were, so I should have no reason to wish you still liked me, but for some reason, I just do. I’ve always said that girls, or guys, that crawl back to someone who cheated, or played, or two timed-whatever you want to call it- are pathetic. But now I’ve found myself doing it and I think I understand why now…
I’m reading the book Looking for Alaska, and in one part, Pudge, the main male character, is talking about Alaska, the main female character, when he says,
"If people were rain, I’d be a drizzle and she’d be a hurricane."
And I think the reason I can’t get over him is because, while we were together he made me feel like a hurricane. He was the first person to make me feel like I was special, or thought provoking, or beautiful, or witty, or smart, or sweet. He made me feel like I was a hurricane every time we were together. He told me how he felt for me feelings he hadn’t felt in a long time and that I was different than other girls, that I was special to him. That he cared for me, really cared. Turns out I wasn’t really a hurricane to him, he just made me feel like one. I was just a storm, I was strong and intense for a brief period of time, but I faded to a drizzle and then eventually I dried up and to him I was nothing.
I can’t get over him, because sometimes storms can seem much more intense than they really are. They can be deceiving. I was never a hurricane, I was always just a storm, but I saw the similar symptoms and quickly misdiagnosed myself. I can’t get over him because I have yet to come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t a hurricane that was wrongly brushed aside, but that I was actually just another storm to him. He’ll have some more drizzles in his life, more storms, and hopefully, he’ll find someone that he finally considers a hurricane. But that person wasn’t and probably won’t ever be me and when I come to terms with and accept that, I won’t have to hate the way I dwell on him anymore, because I won’t need to dwell on him any longer.