“I like drinking coffee alone and reading alone. I like riding the bus alone and walking home alone. It gives me time to think and set my mind free. I like eating alone and listening to music alone. But when I see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with their best friend, I realize that even though I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely. The sky is beautiful, but the people are sad. I just need someone who won’t run away.”—
“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence… We need silence to be able to touch souls.”—Mother Teresa
Ever since the shit hit the fan at the end of 8th grade, my family and even therapists told me that trust issues were going to be a problem when it came to becoming close to people. I didn’t believe them because I’d always been very open, even vulnerable, to people when it came to love-in all the different types of relationships.
Welllllllll, yeah they were right and I’m just now realizing it. I make friends pretty easily but I’ve noticed that besides a handful, I’ve kept them all at a safe distance and have refused to really open up to them. I’m a private person and I like to keep my true feelings to myself and tumblr (hahaha) but it’s gotten out of control.
I think I may have sacrificed a potential friendship and relationship for my trust issues. Ever since I grew up 8 years in one summer, I lost the childlike emotions I used to be characterized with. I used to be such a lovey-dovey person, but now, not so much.
I push people away and never show them how I really feel for fear of getting hurt and being betrayed again. But I can’t blame this problem on her or on anyone else anymore. This is something it took until now to realize is 100% my own doing.
So to those I’ve pushed away. I’m sorry, chances are I cared about you so much that it got to a point where I felt like I needed to slow things down for fear of getting hurt, or maybe I never let you get close to me from the beginning,
….or maybe I felt close to you and really did like you as much as you liked me but didn’t give you the same “vibes” because I didn’t show you. But I swear I did like you, I still do. I hate how things turned out and I hate not talking to you everyday. It was short lived, but in that month, I was the happiest I’d been in a long time…even if I didn’t show you how much I cared about you, please know that I did. Please know that I still do. I hate how awkward things were the last time I saw you. I pushed you away and didn’t show my feelings for you when I had the chance and you ended things abruptly and without a word and in all honesty, made both you and I look like an ass. We both messed and maybe I’m reading way to far into something that you felt was just insignificant, but I feel like you had to have felt the same thing that I did riding in your car or talking on the phone or seeing each other at “hell” or walking in that park. Up until this morning I thought you were nothing but a player and I felt like I’d been lied to, but hearing what I heard this morning really made me think twice about the fact that things ended up the way they did because of me too. If I had a another shot at things, I would be sure you knew exactly how I felt about you, before I let things fall apart. A second chance would be awesome, but in life sometimes you get two or three chances and sometimes you only get one and you just have to work with it, so if that was our one and only shot at things: I’m sorry for pushing you away. I hope you’re sorry for not communicating at the end. I really did like you, more than I ever showed you. I still like you, hell, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you and how much I hate the way things turned out. Let’s not be awkward anymore, because I like you so much that I want you in my life even if as just a friend. You were so sweet and awesome to me and I hope you know I don’t have a bad thing to say about you, just about the situation.
I’m slowly learning that closing myself off to people only complicates things further. There’s a difference between being naive and reckless and being open to people and it’s time I learned that.
“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”—F. Scott Fitzgerald (via skotia)