This post has taken me longer to write than any other. It’s just so hard. I started writing this the day we had to put Dot down but I got really upset halfway through so I stopped; and the I went out of town the next day and was without computers or Internet. So here it is:
I’m going to write this as a letter because letters are one of my favorite forms of writing and I think Dot should be talked about in that way. So here goes… Hey baby,
You’ve only been gone for less than 12 hours and I already miss you so much. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to accept the fact that you’re really gone. When I think about how yesterday morning I was cuddling with you and now you’re gone, I go crazy. I would do anything to have you back in my lap right now, even for just a second. But that’s impossible, so I’m trying to realize that we did this for you. Trying to realize that even though I love you so much, I had to be unselfish and let you go. You were really sick, blind, disoriented, and in constant pain. The other night you were throwing up constantly and after that you lost your appetite and that’s when you became really disoriented. You couldn’t get to your food or water bowl, outside to go to the bathroom, or basically anywhere without someone carrying you there or if you were randomly doing better you could get there by following the sound of our voices because you couldn’t see a thing. That’s when my dad called the vet and the doctor said we couldn’t wait any longer. The car ride to the vet was so long. I was so worried about you, you were whimpering and going crazy trying to figure out where you were the whole way there. When we got to the vet, the nurse took Ginger to be boarded and then came back and took you from us so fast it was devastating. It was like she cheated us out of a proper goodbye. I’m sorry for that, Dot. We wanted to all pet you and kiss you and tell you how much we loved you but she just took you and told Dad to follow her. Even though the goodbye was too fast, Dad said that when it came to actually putting you down, it was peaceful. He said you were sitting on the table with your paws crossed like you always do and the doctor put the needle into your aw and it didn’t even make you flinch; he said you just laid your head down real softly, like you were sleeping. Only you weren’t, you were finally out of your misery and in peace.
I just went out and planted some flowers on top of where we buried you, so we will always see those flowers and know it’s you. While I was doing this I was thinking about you and how many good times I remember with you. You need to know that we remember far more good times of you then bad. Even though the end was so hard for you, you lived a long, happy life in a home full of people who loved you.
I remember the very first day we got you and how you were so little. It was around Christmas time when I was seven and I remember waking up on the couch so confused because my family was up and talking and no one had carried me to bed. When i woke up my mom told me that a surprise was going to be here any minute. She told us we were getting the Christmas present we’d been asking for, for years. I remember thinking “A CHIA PET?!” I shit you not. Then not shortly after, you were carried in the door by my dad in a Christmas stocking! Dot, you were so much better than any animal shaped pot that grows hair. My dad told us that you were our new puppy! You were absolutely tiny, you could sit in someone’s hand comfortably! My dad set you down on the ground and we were all so excited and so were you. i remember you sliding around on our marble floor because your paws were so soft and the floor was so slick that you couldn’t keep your balance! You were such an energetic puppy. When someone would come inside you’d run around the tops of our furniture in circles! Also, I got a giant penguin stuffed animal from the zoo one year and not an hour after having it at home, was it claimed as yours. You were a fourth of the size of that stuffed animal but you’d attack it like you were a Great Dane! You’d drag that thing everywhere with you, I remember you tripping over it when you’d run around with it in the hallways and even up and down the stairs! Haha! You were the funniest little dog!
I already miss so much about you! Like the way you barge into the bathroom whenever I’m on the toilet and would try to jump up onto my lap so I would pet you! I’m going to miss the way you had no sense of privacy! I’m going to miss the way you take up so much room in the bed when I let you sleep with me! you weighed maybe ten pounds, but you’d stretch out your long legs and take up so much room! I’m going to miss the way you hugged. I’ve never seen a dog do half the things you’d do and that was definitely one of them. I already miss them so much; the way you’d jump onto our laps and wrap your paws around my neck! I’m going to miss seeing your smile I get home. Yes your smile, just another Dot-ism. I’m going to miss everything about you, baby Dot. Your tiny teeth especially the gap in between your front two. I’ll miss the way you bark so loud, your sneezes and grunt, you bony tail, and adorable perky ears. I’m going to miss the way you nestle your head into the nape of my neck when you wanted attention. I’m going to miss people’s reactions when they see how you could wrap yourself up into a blanket. I’m going to miss seeing you in little sweater in the wintertime because you were always so cold. I’m going to miss how you bounce when you bark and when you get excited because you’re so tiny. i’m going to miss hearing you’re bark before I walk into or out of the house. I’m going to miss how when I leave the house and lock the door, I’d see your head in the door window because you could jump up so high when you were barking. I’m going to miss the way you though you were so big and scary. You’d bark at all the big dogs, and you even chased a runner up our street! I’m going to the miss the way you let us hold you like a baby or how whenever we’d stop petting you’d immediately start scratching us. You were the best dog to cuddle with because you were so tiny, warm, and lovable. You loved bananas and grapes more than anything else, and sometimes we’d walk downstairs to find you had umped on the table like a cat to get the food that was on it. I’m going to miss the way you’d spin for cheese, or knew what “go to bed!” and “get em, Dot!” means. I’m going to miss hearing your teeny light pink paws and nails click on the floor when you walked. I’m going to miss seeing your one black nail on two paws.I’m going to miss how pretty you were with our blue-grey silky fur and white tummy and white “dot” which developed into a diamond on the back of your neck. I’m going to miss the way you’d jump up so fast at the sound of the refrigerator door opening. I’m going to miss the way you lay your head on pillows like you’re a human. I’m going to miss how loving you were, how you’d just sit and cuddle with me when you could tell that I was sick or sad. I’m going to miss dad making you eggs on Saturdays.
I could go on for days. The fact is, we’re all going to miss yo so much, Dot! All of us humans and Ginger too. She’s been really sad since you’ve been gone. She just lays in her dog bed all day. We all love you so much little Dot and we hope you’re finally out of your misery and in peace.
It’s crazy how the people who constantly say that they’ll always be there for you disappear when you need them most. It’s even crazier how the people who are there for you are the last ones you’d ever expect to do so.
and it’s going to be so much worse tomorrow. I’m so upset. I never thought losing a dog was ever going to be this hard. Whenever people told me their dog died I always thought, “Oh that’s sad, but it’s just a dog.” Then I got my first dog when I was 8 and I still felt basically the same about the death of dogs. Then Dot started to get sick about a year ago and I realized that I grew up with her and that I never want to see her in pain. She has a tumor behind her eyes and she’s blind, but shes tough. She’s braved through all of this for a while but she’s in so much pain and she’s deteriorated now. So yesterday, my dad came home from work and told us that he talked to the vet and that he said he was surprised she’s even lasted this long with all her problems. My dad explained that even though we don’t want to let her go, that’s its best for her to be put down…to be taken out of her misery. I know that is the best thing to do for her, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I love her so much and it’s been so hard knowing that after tomorrow she’ll never be in my lap again.
“When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life.”—John Lennon