When I look in the mirror I see both good and bad.
When I look in the mirror and see bad, I see a girl who cannot forget or forgive. I see a girl who worries too much. I see someone who over analyzes everything. I see a girl who gets annoyed with a certain someone way too easily. I see a girl who procrastinates everything. I see someone who can be mean. I see someone who loses her temper too easily. I see someone who hurts a lot, but also someone who can be hurtful. I see someone who cannot trust; someone who waits for things to fall apart. I see someone who lies so people will stop asking or worrying. I see someone who doesn’t know when to stop. I see someone who thinks they are a disappointment. I see someone who sometimes judges people wrong by their first impression. I see someone who picks apart everything about her self; someone will low self esteem. I see someone who compares herself to others all day everyday. I see someone who is far too hard on herself.
I also see good when I look in the mirror. I see a girl who is much different than she used to be. I see someone who has matured quickly and grown up fast. I see someone who has been through a lot and made it out of that nightmare a better person. I see someone who is funny. I see someone who is smart. I see someone who has big dreams and big plans to achieve them. I see someone who wants to help. I see someone who tries to appreciate the little things. I see someone who has made my family proud. I see someone who makes good decisions. I see someone who is a good sister; someone who covers for her brother. I see someone who is a good daughter; someone who does her chores and tries to help around the house. I see someone who loves her family and friends. I see someone who tries to be nice to people; someone who tries to at least portray happiness to please others. I see someone who is happy most of the time. I see someone who is willing to do things differently. I see someone who is still growing for the better.
I see someone who has faults but also someone who I’m proud to be.
Day 29: Someone You Want To Tell Everything To But Are Too Afraid To,
I could never tell any of you absolutely everything. I’ve only shared the half of it with a few people, but I could never tell everything to anyone. I’m a very private person. I don’t like people knowing I have weaknesses or problems. I don’t want to make people feel uncomfortable. I sincerely do not want people to feel bad for me or treat me differently because they know how things have been and how they still are. I don’t want people to know what I’m hearing right now as I try to block it out and type. I’m just not ready to expose everything to anyone yet. I wish I was more open but I’m not.
I. Hate. You. I never say hate unless I really mean it and with you, I mean it. You are the one person in the world I truly hate. I mean it with ever inch of my being. The sound of your name makes me cringe; it makes me nauseous. The thought of you makes me fall apart; I can’t be strong when I think of you, all I do is hate and cry. You truly have changed my life; your presence changed me forever.
You came in and everyone thought you were so nice and talented. No one suspected what you would do. No one suspected you’d do it twice! You tore apart my family. You ruined us. I hate you. You are selfish and evil. You are sinful and hateful. I hate you. If my family wasn’t so strong, we would’ve been literally broken. I hate you. Because of you, I will never have a relationship with her again. Because of you, I always wonder. Because of you, I’ll never be able to trust or love completely. I hate you. Because of you, my family is always on the verge of destruction. Because of you, I never know what I’m going to come home to. Because of you, I’m always paranoid. Because of you, I always feel like I have to investigate her things; because I’ll never be able to forget what I saw. I hate you. Because of you, I’m always in pain. Because of you, my childhood ended prematurely. Because of you, I hate.
You’ve ruined a lot of things. You robbed my family of peace and even love. You’ve robbed me of my childhood and of her. You took her, she’s back now, but she’s not the same. I hate you so much. I hope I never see your face again.
You’ve change my life and you’ve changed me. Because of the sickeningly bad things you did, I’m different. However, I’ve tried to turn your ruins into something better. I’ve had to mature so quickly. I’ve learned to appreciate what good I do have; the love I do have. I’ve learned about myself and others. I’ve realized that in order to achieve greatness, I can’t let people ruin it, disgusting people like you. I’ve been told time and time again by my siblings how proud they are of how mature and strong I am; I hope that pisses you off, because I’ve conquered you. I hope you would hate to hear how strong I’ve become. I’m so much better than you, you are less than the dirt beneath my feet and I’ve conquered you.
Day 27: Friendliest Person You Knew For Only One Day,
This is a funny story now, but then, not so funny.
This One Goes Out To You Mystery Senior Girl,
So one day during my Freshman year at outside lunch my friend Sophie and I were goofing around and being us, got out of hand. We were laughing and smacking each other, so I pick up her lunch box with was made out of some really soft material so I didn’t think it’d hurt her especially since I thought it was empty. Anyways, I pick up the lunch box and bop her over the head with it, and I hear this “CLINKK!” Sophie’s still laughing but is like “Ouch that hurt, my thermos was in there!” I felt so bad because I had no idea so I’m apologizing and she of course forgives we and we’re both laughing then the grabs her head and looks bad up and everyone at our lunch table is like “Oh God, there’s blood on your hand! It’s coming from your head!!” No sooner do we all starting noticing that and flipping out, then Sophie’s head starts gushing with blood! I don’t mean a dribble of blood, I’m talking the blood is gushing from her head. It looks like she’s been stabbed in the head..it was that bad! She’s crying and I’m crying and we’re all running around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to get her head to stop bleeding. I’m thinking, “I’m going to be expelled, no one will believe this much blood happens on accident!” So, I’m still not thinking clearly, but I suggest we go inside to the bathroom to try and clean things up. Still balling and holding napkins on Sophie’s draining head, we start running inside not knowing what we’re going to do. All of a sudden as we’re getting closer to the school this Senior girl runs up to us and just takes the reigns of the situations. She has a ton of tissues and is cleaning up Sophie’s bloody face while running her to the Nurse’s office. Meanwhile over-dramatic me is following while still balling and thinking about an explanation for this. So we get to the Nurse’s office where the Nurse never is and we’re cleaning her up and in walks the Principal. He looks stunned and totally normal at the same time. He’s asking what happened and who did this to her and guilty me is explaining it all. He even asks, “Are you two even friends?!” Hahaha. Long story short, Sophie gets all cleaned up and we realize the source of the blood was from a tiny little cut on her head from the thermos. Apparently, when it’s hot outside your blood rushes to the surface, especially in your head which when cut, causes extreme blood flow but little harm…thank God. Moral of the story is, if it weren’t for the good Samaritan, I don’t think I would have ever known what to do. Thank you so much for the help, you truly were the friendliest person I’ve known for a day.
We’re desperate to get there, to grab all the opportunities we can… to live. We’re so busy trying to get out of that nest… We don’t think about the fact that it’s going to be cold out there… really freaking cold. Because growing up sometimes means leaving people behind. And by the time we stand on our own two feet… we’re standing there alone.
Day 26: The Last Person You Made A Pinky Promise To,
I honestly don’t even remember the last time I made a Pinky Promise. I wish I did, because when I was little I loved them. Seriously. I would probably make twenty a day. Not an exaggeration. This was when I was very little, I’m talking before kindergarten. I would make them about the lamest things. For example if I was coloring and my crayon broke I’d flip out being the perfectionist I was and my mom would come to my rescue telling me that if I flipped around the crayon box there would be something called a “sharpener” that would fix my broken crayola. I wouldn’t use the sharpener until my mom pinky-promised me it would fix the crayon. I was a stupid little girl, I’ve heard that story a thousand times and each time I hear I think about how ridiculous that was. But, now looking back, I wish things were still that simple. I wish that all promises were as solid as pinky-promises.
To Whom This May Concern,
Thank you for the pinky-promise. I’m sure it eased some of my childish stress. Thank you for keeping my belief in the magic of three simple words,
If you didn’t tell me then it was behind my back….
Not being invited doesn’t bother me, we can’t expect to do everything together; not being told does bother me because as your friend I can expect to know things. It feels pretty pathetic finding out via Twitter. I can be just a smidge mad about that. I don’t want to start a fight and I really don’t want to ruin your trip, so…
Next time, just tell me even if I can’t come because I’m not 8 years old, I can handle knowing I wasn’t invited. I’m a big girl. And so are you.
Day 25: The Person You Know Is Going Through The Worst Of Times,
Your my best friend. You’ve always been there for me through everything. You’ve always been so strong and brave. That hasn’t changed, but now I can tell it’s getting harder. Your parents are getting divorced and even though you say you’re okay with it, I know you’re not. I can see the hurt in your eyes. It killed me when you you told me because I could see the tears glazing your eyes that you tried so hard to fight back. You are truly the best person I know and I absolutely hate seeing you in pain. What I hate even more is knowing that there’s nothing I can do to fix it. It will just take time for you to heal. I know things are hard right now, but just know that you always have me. I’ll never leave you. I’ll never fail you. I love you so much and I’m so sorry you’re hurting.