I wish you could all forgive me. I wish we could all forgive each other. Sometimes I think you don’t try hard enough. But, I also know sometimes I don’t try hard enough either.
I want us all to make up. I want it more that anything. You all don’t know my whole story. And that’s my issue, my trust issues. If you knew, you’d know that you all are my rock. You all keep me sane. You all are my escape. We are all very hurt in multiple areas of life, but right now, the most hurt is between us. I never thought that this would happen. I feel like I can’t wake up from this nightmare. I’m so sorry. I should’ve stopped all of it before it began. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong or brave enough to fix things then. I’m going to do that now though. I’m going to be the one to pick up the pieces. I’m going to be the one to heal the wounds you all have because of this whole mess.
I’m so sorry for everything’s that happened in the past. I will never let any of it happen again. I’m sorry for actions, I’m sorry for words, I’m sorry for thoughts. I’m sorry for absolutely everything.
Please forgive me because I can’t live without all of you. I love you all an unimaginable amount.
Day 12: To The Person Who Caused Me The Most Pain,
You hurt me more than any one ever could. You lost my trust, my faith in you, you lost a lot from me. I know you’re sorry. But I don’t know that you’re willing to fix things me with me. You tell me constantly that its my fault we don’t have a relationship, you tell me I’m always mean to you, you say I don’t try. You’re probably right that I don’t try, but its because you hurt me like crazy. And you have no right to tell me its my fault, because its yours. It was your poor decision, that changed our relationship forever, it was that decision that forever changed all of our lives, and all of our outlooks on life, especially mine. Because of what you did, I find trusting people extremely challenging. I will always love you, I will never disappear from your life, but you need to know that you’ve eternally hurt me. I could never hate you, but I feel like you hate me sometimes. I know you don’t but I feel like you do. You make very snide and passive aggressive remarks to me daily and it hurts so much. You think you’re putting me in my place for not trying very hard anymore, but I don’t try because I’m so tired of trying and failing with you. I wish it was different, I see how some people have beautiful relationships with the role you are in their lives, and I want it so bad, but I need to stop wanting, because it gets me nowhere. It just causes more pain. I know we love each other, but as they say, love hurts. Its sure does, but I don’t think it should hurt this badly.
I hate that feeling. The feeling when you’re sad but you have no idea why. You just are. And in your mind, you’re thinking of all the bad things in your life and apply it to your emotions, making you even more sad. Then people ask you what’s wrong and you have nothing to say. You end up sitting there, quiet, while it seems as if everyone, but you, is happy.
I miss you. I wish I had been closer to you, but I was only in fourth grade when you died. So, I guess i was too young to really get to know you. Here is what I do know, You are an amazing person, you married a great woman and you cured her hurt from her past marriage, you adopted a beautiful baby girl from Guatemala, you loved everyone. You were the perfect son, brother, husband, father, and uncle. You were a marine, you were in tip top shape, and when you were found dead of a heart attack, it was an extreme shock to all of us. I miss you so much. I remember the last time I saw you, its weird that it lingers in my mind, but I’m glad it does that way I can still see your face. It was the day we were leaving Buffalo to go back home, we said our goodbye’s and our I love you’s and we drove off not knowing it would be the last time we’d ever see your sweet self. I wish I could’ve said my real goodbye to you before you departed from this earth. I wish I could’ve told you how much I loved you and how great of a person you are. I want you to know that the whole family and I think about you a lot, and we miss you so much. We talk about you all the time. Usually all with teary eyes. Especially Grandma, she cries whenever we say your name, but she’s okay. She just loves you so much, you’ll always be her little Bobby. From what I hear about you, it seems like we are a lot alike, when you were little you were the good kid, not getting into much trouble, the kid who cried a lot, and the kid who told his siblings to stop arguing with your parents. That’s me, and I’m so glad I’m sort of like you. You have no idea how much my dad misses you. He was the oldest and you were the second to oldest, so you two were closest. He loves you so much. I remember the day he came to school to pick up me, John, and Michael from school. I thought i was just getting lucky and got to get checked out for nothing. Little did i know, but that day would forever linger in my thoughts. That was the day my dad told us you had died, that was the first time i saw my dad fight back tears, and fail. I’m sorry I didn’t go to your funeral, I wanted to so badly, but the news was so unexpected and the funeral was the very next day we found out, and my dad needed to fly up there but couldn’t afford to fly the rest of us up in a days notice. I’m sorry. I also want you to know that your wife and daughter are so well taken care of. Papa and Grandma are always there for them, and with them, they’re Clarissa’s permanent babysitters, and we all love Aunt Laura so much and she feels like a firm part of our family, like she is. They miss you like crazy, but we are taking good care of them. I love you so much and I wish I could’ve said my final goodbyes. I guess that doesn’t matter though, because I know you’re in heaven, and I just need to be as good of a person as you were to get there so I can see you again and there we can talk about how similar we are, and how glad I am to see you, and we can talk about how much I love you. I love you Uncle Robert, I know you are watching over me, and know that I’m thinking about you and loving you.